This is the life you see, the devil tips his hat to me

...Mistakes
This one, again, is just for you to see. Nobody else since nobody else knows about this LJ.

You ask about Beth and myself, a lot. It does bother me a bit, I will be honest, but I'm not going to tell you to, or request that you stop. If you have questions, I'll answer as honestly as I possibly can. However, I'm going to try and answer all possible questions beforehand, including ones you've asked before, just so you know them. I'm not entirely fond of talking about it, but I want you to know whatever it is you'd want to know.

Yes, we have did have sex, which you know, and yes, she was the one who technically took my virginity. I begin to regret this now, after everything that happened. I look back at it now, and I realize things.

We weren't compatible, we really weren't. She was a person who intended to strive for so much in life, and was trying to cause me to as well. She always said she didn't want to make me stop something I wanted to do, but it was obvious that she did want me to stop the things I did.

She complained about my driving, even if I was driving carefully, she disliked my smoking, something I've little intention to give up...not yet anyway.

She repeatedly, non-jokingly, pointed out how she felt I wouldn't be able to quit smoking, because when I get stressed I'm used to coping by smoking, due to the chemicals released into the brain causing calmness.

She would complain if I didn't have something to say, and this includes after she left for U of I. There was more than once that it was as simple as 'If you don't start coming up with a conversation I'm just going to sign off.'

There was a time we were walking back to the house, and despite walking normally not making /any/ noise, she demanded I'd go on tiptoe, and when I didn't right away, I got a 'You know what, nevermind, just go home.'

She was pissed because of the night I got drunk at Chika's, and didn't want to talk to me because of it for a bit.

She tried helping me with the math, and when I didn't learn, or tried to do it in a different way, especially if I knew it worked, she'd get an attitude about it.

You remember last night, how we were talking in normal voices, rather than being quiet? I could whisper, and be in the basement to see her, and her uncle would sleep on the top floor of the house. Even being barely audible to myself wasn't good enough for her. Again, nothing I did ever was good enough.

She was more paranoid about things than I am about being caught by cops with you. Yes, I am paranoid about that, very much so.

However, I'd gladly spend a couple years in jail if it was because I was with you, for being with you, for loving you, for anything that involved you. Hell, when I get a job, even for taking you in if I can. It's worth it, as long as you'd remain with me, and wait for me...hell it's worth it even without that...

Yes, she did sleep over, during the day usually, the few times that she did, and I got pretty much the same response from my parents as I do now. 'I don't want you sleeping with girls in your bed.' They won't do anything about it, but they don't want me doing it...

Yes, I think I did love her, however I think...perhaps there was also a bit of the whole psychological shit from losing myself to her that was involved in it...an attatchment that wasn't meant to be. Again, I honestly find we weren't compatible.

I didn't think I'd get over her leaving, not like I did, considering I didn't care much about anybody else, and to be honest, I hadn't even seen you in a long while, considering my own attraction to you from the first moment I saw you.

Everything she was doing or saying was either angering me, or depressing me, because nothing I did was ever right to her. Was getting to the point I was considering playing the song on repeat. Ended up making that comment to Chris, and it's actually what he said that kicked me in the ass and made me realize it wasn't worth it, it wasn't worth just giving up on everything because I became attatched to a person that never found anything I did right, that would complain if there wasn't a conversation going on at all times, that was never satisfied with something done. That ended up constantly making me feel incapable of doing anything right in life.

I mean, I know I fuck up, I know I've made mistakes, and I know I'm not all that intelligent, regardless of how much I try to be, but the inability to understand that, and causing it to worsen for me only made it harder, and in the end, would have prevented it anyway.

Sarah, I love you, I love you so much. I've made mistakes in my past, and I'm not going to be making them again, the thought of losing you alone hurts, the thought of not having you with me hurts...hell, telling you not to ditch takes more effort than it shows that it does. I'd like nothing more than to see you every day, every hour of my life, to never let you go home...I'm going to have one more cigarette, and then I'm going to go take a shower and wait for your phone call...I'm placing the link to this LJ into a blog for you to get access to. All I can say is, please...don't ever leave me, I may say live life for yourself, and not for others, and I may believe that. Just...without you, I don't see a reason to live life for myself in any way.

Love,
Brina

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Placebo - Twenty Years

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